Big Things (pardon the language)

Have you ever been told that someone you know is “up to big things”? Or looked at the world around you and wondered what impact you’re making on society as a whole? I have. Being a yoga teacher phrases like “big things”,  “up to something big”, and  “creating an impact” gets thrown around a lot. Often times it can be uplifting and urge you on to create something bigger in your life and others, make you (me) feel a bit less than and like something is missing. 

I have never been accused of having a lack of creativity but I have been told that I lack the focus to maintain one thing. A bit of a gypsy, I find that I am often dipping my toes in multiple hobbies and in constant learning, moving from one to the next and back again. I guess ADD could be to blame, or that I find things get stale if they are not constantly shifting. So, I have become a jack of all trades but, in this becoming, I fear I may have diluted my possibility of something BIG. How can a person be up to big things when they are up to a lot of small things? Maybe little things are okay? I honestly don’t know, but I am setting out to find an answer. 

That little voice, the story that I tell myself is that “I am not good enough”.  I am starting here because maybe this is the root of my hobby ADD, or maybe it is the root of fear of giving myself over to something bigger than me. All of my life I have told myself that I could be better and I have compared myself to others daily. Some days it’s my body, other days it’s my mind and, on the occasion, it is what have I contributed to my community. So many questions and so many doubts. Under it all, I do know that I am pretty great, I have so much to offer and I actually am “good enough” but knowing that is not always enough to get you to the end. 

Mind-Fucking is my name for it. I mind-fuck myself out of some pretty great opportunities and out of enjoying life. I believe we all do it at one time or another. It is that moment when you allow a comment, that was said to you, said by you, said about you or one that didn’t even concern you, to screw with your brain so much that you doubt everything you have ever done or will ever do. For me a shutdown occurs right about here, I have this dialog that goes through my brain and asks me why I bother. I might as well just quit, or maybe I will just finish it out, then quit or maybe I have no business being here so, I should quit. Are you seeing a pattern here? 

I am not like them + I am not good enough = I should just quit/Nobody wants me

This is my story and the equation in my life. And this is why I don’t think I am up to “big things”. Who knows, maybe I actually am, but I am so blinded by the equation that I often can’t see the greatness in front of me, or I withhold of myself out of fear of rejection. Don’t despair, there is an upside, which is that I am conscious of all of this. I am not ignorant of my ways of being and I see these things happening and I can recognize the self-sabotage. Some days I recognize it a bit late but I see it, nonetheless. This is a superpower!! When you can see the story pop up and create strife, then you can create something better out of that moment. So what now?

Big Things. I live a life in which I am surrounded by people who are up to something big, and I am so grateful for that. I do, however, wish that I was one of them, but my compass is not the same, it’s special and it never points North, it spins around in both directions. So, I am up to many small things and that is good enough. If I dropped a handful of marbles in a big bucket, it would be a big bucket with a small number of marbles in it, not full and barely-there just rattling around. But if I dropped a handful of marbles in a big bucket every week or every month, then my bucket would eventually be very big, very heavy, sturdy, and full of possibilities. This is how I see my world of small things. While I may not have one big thing, I do have many small things and those make my life full and they are what makes me good enough to be Big in my small way.

You've got to think about big things while you're doing small things, so that all the small things go in the right direction.- Alvin Toffle